Best of Dear Abby

Just try to overlook the fact that I have been absent for shamefully too long. The worst part it is does not mean I will be a regular now, either. But whenever I see something so interesting that it has to be shared, I will be here. Imagine me as the weird, absentee uncle that still gives cool Christmas presents.

Pauline Friedman Phillips, or Dear Abby, passed away last week at the age of 94. This is aImage collection of 10 of her witticisms from the 13 compiled by The Week. I knew she was proper but had no idea she was so sharp and present.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be 20 years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? —Carol
Dear Carol: Nevermind what he’d like, give him a tie.

Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? —Wanting to Know
Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? —Jake
Dear Jake: Yes, and also hazardous.

Dear Abby: I’ve been going with this girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes? —Don
Dear Don: What’s the question?

Dear Abby: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? —Gertie
Dear Gertie: I don’t know. What’s he getting?

Dear Abby: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? —Bess
Dear Bess: Night and Day.

Dear Abby: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son” — or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there!… Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood? —Up In Arms
Dear UP: You could move. 

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Navy: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I’m Gay.

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible? —Bertie
Dear Bertie: Only if they don’t work.

2 responses to “Best of Dear Abby

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